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Given enough coffee, I could rule the world.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a dog, or just a pizza.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I`m camping, I won`t be covered.
Next time you over hear a stranger giving out their number. Text them details of what they are wearing. It`s so fun to watch them freak out!
I wish more of my handcuff stories involved sex instead of police officers.
What do they give the person that has everything? antibiotics
I don’t even know what I don’t know.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
I`m not a gamer, but I can be as lazy as one.
I would have a girlfriend but finding someone who likes to be ignored is hard.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
Do angry people know about naps?
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.