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I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Can Walmart be a feeling? I`m pretty sure that`s how I`m feeling today.
If ignorance really was bliss we`d have a lot more really happy people around here.
Thank God I still have 20 days to achieve my goal of "going to the gym in 2013."
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
Stages of Drunk: 1. Wow. I can dance. 2. All hats look GOOD on me. 3. Shhh. Don`t wake up the cows.
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
I need to find new reward systems besides beer and chocolate.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.
I say the things better left unsaid.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question?
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.