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The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
If it weren’t for physics and law enforcement, I’d be unstoppable.
I always advise people never to give advice.
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
People who copy and paste jokes from other’s status messages are idiots…A few seconds ago • Like • Comment
It was so cold that when we milk the cows we got ice cream.
My head says go to the gym. My heart says food.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
The only thing I`ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said "Good afternoon folks" they will let you take their order.
My favorite word is `apparently`. Makes anything sound sarcastic. He`s intelligent, apparently.
Reverse cowgirl. Perfect for when you`re horny, but can`t stand to look at each other !
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.