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They call cat people crazy but they`re not the ones outside at 5AM putting fresh dog poop into little baggies.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your wipers on high.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
I never said I hated you. I just said that if you where on fire, I would consider roasting marshmallows. Big difference.
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
A house is not a home until you can find all light switches in the dark.
I can`t possibly f*ck up the entire universe, so that`s a relief.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
Trying to untwist a twizzler is a real b*tch and this gas station cashier yelling at me isn`t helping.
Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ... and drink all the vodka inside ... It seems to help
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
My sleep number is 24. That`s a case of beer and I sleep like a baby.
You know you are in the hood when your portable GPS says “Drive faster and put me under the seat.”