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This bank pen tastes like it`s been in a lot of other people`s mouths
I fell asleep on the couch last night & woke up thinking I was married.
Getting out of bed was my worst mistake today.
So if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
I have 500 friends and only 499 Birthday wishes on facebook! I`ll remember that when it`s YOUR birthday #405!!!
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Folgers got it wrong. The best part of waking up is going back to bed after you pee.
I can`t wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they`re jerks