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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
I`m at the "what can I make with green beans and cake mix" stage of needing groceries
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy...so I came back drunk.
If you see me drinking coffee from a to-go cup in public after 3 pm, that coffee is booze in disguise.
Sometimes people try to expose what`s wrong with you, because they can`t handle what`s right about you.
If people in horror movies listened to me, they would still be alive.
Don`t judge me for things I did a few seconds ago, I`ve changed since then.
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I don’t necessarily believe in karma, but I’m gonna be extra careful crossing the street after this weekend.
Fun Fact about me: The drunker I get, the more karate I know.
Work is one long game of back and forth emails with cleverly disguised f*ck you`s.
I`m so lonely I drive around town with a coffee cup glued to the roof of my car just so people will wave at me.
Some people wonder why I never like or comment on their posts. It’s because I unfollowed you a long time ago.
To the individual who sat outside in their car, across the street from our house, at 530 am and had Led Zepplens Immigrant Song blaring at full volume, I have one thing to say to you! AWESOME CHOICE DUDE!!!!!!!
Nothing tells your friends you`ve made it in life quite like owning a 4 slice toaster.