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Just found some old sex coupons I got from an ex for my b-day. Any of you ladies take competitor`s coupons?
My new home security sign : "EBOLA QUARANTINE" - Deters salesman, thieves, and neighbors.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it. I`m totally flexible.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I know the voices aren`t real, but man do they come up with some great ideas.
It turns out that 3 is the amount of times you can suck on your dentist`s finger before she stops believing that you`re doing it accidentally.
Went shopping alone and the cashier asked, "How are you guys doing?" Now I`m 90% sure he can see ghosts and one is following me around.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
Did we try giving the government a snickers?