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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Ok honey don’t freak out, but someone broke into the house, ate all the ice cream, smashed that picture of your mother, and didn’t do the dishes.
I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
There is no evidence that exists that life should be taken seriously.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
Have you ever just sat there and realized how weird you are?
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
I`ve just been hit in the head with a werthers, and I thought........... That`s original!!!
You can`t control who comes into your life. But you can control which window you throw them out of.
Looks don’t matter to me if you’re attractive.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
HR wants me to give myself a self evaluation. This will be the first and last time they make this mistake.
When I was a kid “The Server Is Down” meant your waiter was depressed.
Dear karma, I have a list of people you missed.