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I don’t think it’s a coincidence that morning and mourning sound the same.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
"Friendzoned" should be a relationship status on Facebook.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I am not sure, but I think I just heard my cup of coffee say, "You are my b*tch"
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
This century is already 15% over.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
No one has ever been in an empty room.
What happens in Vegas stays on Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, Vine, and medical records.
I have decided to follow my dreams.....starting with that one where I am naked at work.
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Milk Duds: When you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw