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One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Always have a goal... Example: Turn as much alcohol into urine as you can.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
When I got divorced, we split the house. I got the outside....
Facebook needs a "slap a b!tch button"
Why do hospitals need to advertise? It`s not like I`m going to go to Home Depot instead.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
PMS = Prepare to Meet Satan.
Having a bad day? Imagine a T-Rex trying to masturbate. you`re welcome.
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
*sigh* the cop at the front door is never a stripper when you need it to be