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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
I´m playing that game where the floor is made of lava, so I obviously can´t get off the couch or I´ll die.
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Facebook has suggested that I POKE you.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
After the expiration date on poison, is it more potent or less potent?
Merry Christmas (I apologize if you`re not Christian). Happy Hanukkah (I apologize if you`re not Jewish). Happy Holidays (I apologize if you`re not happy).
I`d take a stupid dog over a stupid person any day.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat