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McDonald’s steps 1) Get really excited about it 2) Eat it 3) Regret eating it 4) Wish you were dead 5) Repeat in a few months
My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ... I sent it anyways.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought, "Yep, you have a person in your basement."?
Abbreviation is an unnecessarily long word.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
Brains are awesome! I wish everyone had one...
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
Facebook made billions by saying “Hey, remember that kid you haven’t seen since the third grade? He’s a parent who hates Obama now.”
U make me wish I had more middle fingers
I always buy a Get Well Soon card for the couple who invites me to their wedding.
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Have you ever noticed that half way through the ColonialPenn insurance commercial, Alex Trebek tries to pull a Jedi-Mind-Trick on us.... "This is the insurance you are looking for." (I didn`t get enough sleep last night.)