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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Dating: the process of hiding your crazy just long enough to get the other person to commit.
It’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Except when you’re heading to the bathroom with explosive diarrhea.
There is always something to be thankful for. If you can’t pay your bills, you can be thankful you are not one of your creditors.
I`m all for the "going green" thing, but I just can`t bring myself to buy toilet paper that says, "100% Recycled."
If you run into someone you know and they say "we should hang out sometime", say "I`m ready to hang out now" and watch them panic.
Anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
I`m pretty sure God just pointed at me and laughed.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
She deleted and blocked me so I guess you can say we`re taking it slow now.
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
Every snack you make, every meal you bake, every bite you take, I`ll be watching you. - Dog
It`s no fun having nothing to do, fun is having a lot to do and doing nothing.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Sometimes I have to go outside to get signal on my phone for Facebook so yes, you could describe me as "outdoorsy."