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Sorry I got mad and said a bunch of things I meant but shouldn`t have said out loud.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
If I had a cooking show, it would be called “Do You Smell Something Burning?”
I`m not the sort of person you should put on speakerphone.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Where do all the ice cream men go in winter?
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
My grandfather once waited in line for 36 hours to get a loaf of bread and I can`t wait two seconds for a Youtube video to load.
I always assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I always wear a wedding ring when I go grocery shopping, so everyone thinks my cart full of groceries are for a family of 4 instead of just me
Keep the dream alive, hit the snooze button.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?