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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Chuck-E-Cheese, because it`s never too early to introduce your child to poor nutrition and gambling..
Sorry I`m late, the floor was lava
"F@ck It" has gotten me through a lot of situations.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as zombies they’ll dig the wrong way.
Almost considered doing something with my life, but then I sat down and logged into Facebook.
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
The skeletons in your closet are suggesting that you upgrade to a double wide, walk-in.
Tupperware: When you want to throw out your food some other day.
If my cats have taught me anything, its how to ignore people.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.