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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
It`s so cold out, I just seen a woman in 2 pairs of pajamas at Walmart...
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
FACT: If you want to keep a secret from me, put it inside a Facebook event invitation.
I just wanted you all to know that I`m leaving Facebook. The ride has been a blast and I`ve made a ton of friends. Your humor and wit is amazing. I`ll miss all of u, but I`ve decided I need to spend more time with my family...so see you after breakfast!!
Psycho and socio have always been my favorite paths.
If there were "Box Tops for Education" on cases of beer, my kid`s school would be rich.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
My wife says I talk while I sleep. But I’m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
Apparently saying, "You mad, bro?" is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Those "Speed Enforced by Aircraft" signs don`t understand how eager I am to get pulled over by an F-16.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.