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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends, who the F#%K are you?
Facebook is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
If I`ve learned anything from Facebook, it`s that you shouldn`t be learning on Facebook.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Cats constantly look at you like you just asked them for a ride to the airport.
My life is a very complicated drinking game
People pay to sponsor animals in the wild and get pic updates on it. Well if anyone would like to sponsor me I will send you a selfie a day.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
Good for you, people that do things.
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
Tips for Guys on Valentine`s Day: Tell your girl you already got something and make her guess. She`ll automatically list things she wants.