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Life is like chocolate...sometimes you gotta deal with nuts.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN
Whoever figured out the `days of the month correspond with your knuckles` thing had too much time on their hands
Hitting the snooze button is like hitting the “Next Episode” button on Netflix… it’s going to happen at least 3 times.
Before you marry a person you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are.
My pants are 75% off.
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I feel like there’s something missing in my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
Writing is a great career when people like hearing what you have to say but don`t want to look at you.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
I like to punish people who ask me how I`m doing by giving them a detailed description of how I am doing.
Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
Some people pass through our lives just to teach us not to be like them.