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You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I walked into a bar in my pirate suit and a ships wheel in my pants.... The bartender asked... "Why do you have a wheel in your pants"? I replied "Argh.. it`s driving me nuts".
I regret nothing but mostly because I can`t remember most of the stuff I should probably regret
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
News flash, ladies. Men are settling for you, too.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
Real friends show me their boobs
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
I hate getting paid and being broke all in the same day!! :(
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.
I`m a little Stressed right now ... Just turn around and leave quietly and no one gets hurt.
Every pizza is a personal pizza if you eat the entire thing.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.