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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Stop screaming, lady. All I said was `this is how pornos start`. It`s just elevator talk.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920x1080 , this year it`s to be less of a nerd.
How can it be considered stealing when the WiFi signal is trespassing in my house?
It’s almost 2015, I expect a toaster that pops the bread up in a less terrifying way.
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
When nobody`s home, I tighten the top to every jar and bottle in the house.
There are a lot of side effects to smoking weed. Like never shutting up about the fact that you smoke weed.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
If I had to describe myself in one word, it would be "bad at following directions."
My life is loosely based on a true story.
People often mistake me for being a good listener. The truth is, I really just don`t want to talk.
Masturbating in front of your partner in the hope that she’ll join does not always work. And people on the bus stare at you.
I’m actually a really nice guy once you get to blow me.