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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Ever work out and think "wow I really needed that"? That`s how I feel about the chocolate chip cookie I just ate.
Facebook prank #23 Go in everynight and change your birthday to the next day...then see how long it takes for people to catch on....
"I have no idea. Why don`t you just Google it?" —My answer to just about every question I`m ever asked
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Dear Santa: I have been good for the past week or so. Lets just focus on that.
You don`t know broke until you`ve rinsed off a paper plate.
Of all the lies I`ve told in my life, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
Why would you live in a place where the air hurts your face?
No thermostat is as effective at regulating temperature as sticking a foot out from under the bed covers.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
I hate when I get to the office and there isn’t a smoking crater where the building is.
I`ve upped my driving skills, no go Up yours!
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.