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When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
I`m starting to think mosquitoes just land on our faces not to suck blood but to see how stupid we look when we slap ourselves.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
My mother is the strongest woman I know. You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
I ran into my ex the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
May your Labor Day contain no Labor!
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
The tragedy of Scooby-Doo is that whoever kept supplying criminals with such realistic prosthetic masks was never caught.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
I liked your facebook update, only so I can unlike it.
I`m starting to think that Dr. Dre isn`t a real doctor after all...
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."