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While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I`d rather run into the four horsemen of the apocalypse than a group of women out on a "girls` night."
If I text with “Almost there!” I haven’t left yet.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
Life is a constant battle between my love of food & not wanting to get fat.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven`t worked out all the bugs yet.
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
All my friends are getting married and having kids or getting really good at video games.
At Starbucks drive up window. Me: large iced chai please Them: you mean a venti? Me: large iced chai. Them: we call a large a venti. Me: Do you want a large tip or a venti tip? Them: large iced chai, please pull up.
Plot twist: WebMD says you`re just thirsty
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Sometimes I add things to my to-do list that I’ve already done just so I can immediately cross them off.
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.