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If my sarcasm confuses you it`s because you`re stupid.
Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
Writing "Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???" on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
So I ran into an old girlfriend who I dated who`s new boyfriend she was with looked exactly like me when I was seeing her. You know, miserable
I was going to do some spring cleaning, but the snow has ruined it for me.
Humans claim to be the superior species, but a penguin can use its own body as a toboggan so who`s the real winner?
Life is funnier when you have a dirty mind. ;)
Some days the only thought that stops me from being Dexter...is that I am WAY too pretty to go to prison
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I`d probably have done better if they`d specified that they didn`t mean by tickling.
So people buy cookie dough and bake it?.... What the hell?
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I put the whiskey in another room ... Exercise regimen established.