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Please don`t wear skinny jeans if you don`t have skinny genes.
It`s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn`t
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Friend: Hey that`s a great truck. what kinda engine? Me: [rubbing the hood] it`s got a truck engine
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
Helpful Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
The internet is just another location for people to be wrong about things.
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
The number of lies told by men would decrease significantly if women stopped asking questions
Words and phrases I hope do not appear in my obituary: "Skeletal remains", "Dumpster", "Beyond recognition", "Decapitated", "Dental records", "Shallow grave", "Strewn", and "Suicide by Cop."
It needs more cowbell!!
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
Social Media: Because I like to socialize with cool people without having to speak, wear pants or get off the couch.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.