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Insomnia is very common. Try not to lose any sleep over it.
That horrible feeling you get when you`re not asleep anymore.
There are no limits to what you can accomplish when you are suppose to be doing something else.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies pooping and vomiting all over themselves.
I love living single, drinking double, and sleeping triple.
I was going to write something profound and memorable here, but I can`t remember what it was.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
We are guaranteed "life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness". So, why did happiness get a Lamborghini and I got a `74 Pinto?????
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
Cleavage is something you can look down on and approve of at the same time.
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Someone stole my identity and returned it 10 minutes later.