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If you`re wondering about my cooking skills, I`ve been asked to bring paper towels to our family gathering.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
If your girlfriend claims to never look at your Facebook profile, change your status to "single" and wait 5 minutes.
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
Here’s your social security card. It’s paper & has to last you forever. Don’t laminate it. Good luck! -The Government
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put music they don’t like on
I tried yoga and I think my downward dog looked more like winnie the pooh getting stuck in rabbit`s door.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists".
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
People without kids: I`ll never yell at my kids ... People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD, JUST WALK!
It`s kind of creepy that you noticed me staring at you.
I automatically assume you`re fat if your Facebook picture is a car