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Jesus is coming.... look busy
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best-looking guy in the world, but,....Oh,hell. Now I`m depressed.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that`s older than you.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
I wonder who the first person was to look at a beehive and think, "those bastards are hiding something delicious in there, I know it!"
I love how twix come with two bars so I can eat one now and the other immediately after
Asking a girl what exactly she looks for in a guy is like asking her "what exactly do I have to do to get friendzoned?
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
How do some people manage to sit on it and talk out of it at the same time?
Idea: maybe the police force for a town of 20,000 shouldn`t have access to weapons you ordinarily need cheat codes to get
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
I have good taste, I just don`t have the money to prove it.
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out