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It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
The best thing about the internet is how quickly you can offend the maximum amount of people with minimum effort
Head & Shoulders needs to come out with a body spray that will help repel flakey people from my life.
Netflix is a lot like facebook in the way I just waste time scrolling and scoffing at things.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren`t happy.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
My daughter asked me why I carry a gun inside the house. I told her I was scared of the CIA. She laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
What`s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don`t know and I don`t care.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because my version is better.