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I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
Apparently, you can only say "Look at you! You got so big!" to kids. Old girlfriends tend to get offended. Who knew?
Guys, Everyone. Listen. I`m going to say two words that will change your lives. Pizza Tacos. I know. Just breath.
Every cigarette you smoke takes 5 minutes off your student loan debt.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
I just broke my record for most days lived.
There`s no rehab for stupid! ;P
You know what I like about people? Their dogs.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took....
I`m tired of doing math. I guess I`ll get my lazy as up and fix my clocks today
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
Just so you know, when you repeat what you just said I won`t be listening then either.
You know what’s funny? Lots of sh!t so lighten the f*ck up.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.