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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
Not to cause a panic but i`m starting to think we`re running out of things to stuff inside pizza crust.
Sometimes I pretend to be normal. But it gets boring ... so I go back to being me. ;)
A good man can make you feel sexy, strong, and able to take on the world ...Oh sorry ...That`s wine ...Wine does that.
I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won`t have to talk to them.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with "According to the prophecy."
If cockroaches can survive atomic bombs and chemical warfare, what the f*ck is in a can of Raid?
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn`t come as such a disappointment.
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
Everyone, please... a moment of silence for all my married friends who have a shared Facebook account.