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Nothing shuts my pie hole more than an actual pie.
Women, if you want to strike a bit of fear into your man, just smile really big and ask him, "Notice anything different?"
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Then go find somebody whose life gave them vodka and throw a party.
Thanks to Facebook i now know what everyones bathroom looks like.
At first it was "Okay" and then "ok" and now "k" and soon it will disappear and you`ll all regret it
Yes, bitches be trippin’ but maybe I pushed one.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
I just want to be perfect... Nah just kidding, I love being weird
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
I enjoy short walks to the fridge
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I never run with scissors…those last two words were unnecessary.
Men wear the pants in the relationship but women control the zipper.