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Sometimes when someone appears to be hailing a cab, I go up and high five their hand because you can never be too sure.
The Brain ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
What if God is a woman. Not only will I be going to Hell, but I`ll never hear the end of it.
It`s so cold, I just got a $5 foot long from subway, but by the time I got back to my car it was only 6 inches.
How to meet a girl: 1) Walk into a bar. 2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.” 3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
Dear Rebecca Black, you are the most beautiful And prettiest girl in the world. Don`t let the haters get you down. P.S Forgot to mention today`s opposite day.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
So how many pokes does it take before its considered a heavy petting?
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
No, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I bet the women who only post about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.