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Spent the morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Of course your opinion matters. Just not to me.
The first rule of Right Club is that your wife is the only member of Right Club
The key to any successful marriage is separate TVs.
How about first you show me your benefits and THEN I`ll let you know if we can be friends.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
So apparently RSVP`ing back to a wedding invite `maybe next time` isn`t the correct response
I was wondering why my doctor gave me LSD for my constipation, then I saw a dragon and crapped myself.
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.