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Porn is so unrealistic. There`s no way a guy with a ponytail could have a house that nice.
Designated drivers just drive me to drink.
You gotta push yourself. Do 15 push-ups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Eat an entire cake instead of just one piece. Burn your ex`s house down. I believe in you!
I try to live by two rules: 1. Don’t make fun of stupid people (they cant help it) 2. Don’t be stupid (people will make fun of you)
Am I the only one who would like to see Punxsutawney Phil bite off the finger of the person that wakes him up every Groundhog Day.
drink beer ?? save water
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
I can`t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes
When I asked if you had protection, pepper spray isn’t what I meant.
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
You know what I just realized that in school they teach you not to do what you don`t want to do yet they still give us homework and we get in trouble because we didn`t want to do it ( confused )
FACT: Men are much less likely to divulge a secret than women. Probably because they weren`t really listening to begin with.
How much tequila goes into mashed potatoes again?