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My email notification is a cricket sound that drives the wife crazy looking for the cricket. Winning!
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I forgot to post this earlier
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
If you mix vodka, orange juice and milk of magnesia... Do you get a Phillips screwdriver?
Ladies, don`t date him just because his dad has a yacht. Date the dad.
At least a stalker is there for you.