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To the people that post 15 pics of your kid everyday,your kid looks EXACTLY the same as they did ystrdy,and the day before,and the day before that
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
I`ve heard that men that are married live longer, but i`ve also heard that men that have sex live longer. Anybody know which one of them is true?
I am at my most hostage negotiator when I see my 3 year old with a permanent marker without a lid.
Some mornings I feel like leaving my coffee until its cold enough that I can just pour it directly into my eyes.
It`s so cold out I`ve turned 50 Shades Of Blue!
I know 3 facts about you: 1.You can’t say ‘M’ without your lips touching. 2.You’re trying it now looking like an idiot. 3. Now you’re smiling
Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called " fun size" should really re-evaluate their stanards of entertainment.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
I`m not feeling myself today..... Perhaps I should feel someone else.
Sarcasm: because beating the sh!t out of people is illegal.
If I was on drugs, this post would be amazing.
I`m thinking one of us should probably break the news to the phone book makers that there`s this thing called Google now
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.