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Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
I meant to make you a rum cake but somehow I made you a plain cake and now I’m drunk.
Hold boobs not grudges.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
This status has been censored by Facebook
Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can`t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"
I haven`t seen any new Bigfoot pictures in a while... I hope he`s OK.
I swear Hollisters electricity bill must be like $1 a month..