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Besides creating dinosaurs are mosquitos good for anything?
Seems like everyone is either trying to pretend they have the life they want, or escape the life they have.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Iām just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
Broke up with my girlfriend. She was into the horoscope stuff and we weren`t compatible. I`m a libra and shes a...b!tch
Whenever I hear that customer service calls are going to be recorded I do one of my raps because I`m too poor to pay for studio time
There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no coffee. And without coffee, I`ll kill you all.
Long busy day, I need one of those hugs that turns into sex.
Word of advice. If your wife or girlfriend ever asks "hypothetically speaking, if I was to arrange a threesome for your birthday, which of my friends would you pick to join in?" Never give two names......ever.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.