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I just can`t help it ... Sarcastic bitch is built-in.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Oops is farting in the elevator and thinking it would be silent.
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I have off-road rage, too
My moral compass must run on solar power because it never seems to work after dark.
The future is much like the present, only longer.
’Friday’ is my second favourite word starting from the letter `F`. :)
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
Tomorrow is Valentines day, a holiday that comes along once a year to remind you that if you don`t have a special someone...I guess your alone.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Fun fact: Deciding where to eat is the leading cause of divorce
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth. I woke up half an hour later & my whole apartment was on the internet.