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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
If women ruled the world, There would be no wars. just a bunch of counties not talking to each other!
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
Each day is a gift, but some days are socks and underwear
that awkward moment when a bug or fly lands on your computer screen in your first reaction is to scare it away with the cursor.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
Do the right thing today: Go to someone`s profile, scroll down 4 months, and like something.
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Pro tip: Go the the gym on one of those 1 day free passes, take 365 selfies then post one every day.
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.