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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
To understand paranoid people better, follow them around
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
Do u ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they arent talking?
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
Sign outside a Drug Rehab Centre: "Keep off the Grass!"
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Spent $50 on E-bay to enlarge my happy place. The creep sent me a magnifying glass.
I will never admit to my parents that I don’t believe in the Easter Bunny or Santa as long as I still get presents and candy.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
The good thing about listening to a new song is that it doesn’t remind you of anyone.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on ... at my desk ... I`m pretty.