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When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
Damn it. I missed the number of the day on Sesame Street and now I don`t know how many pills to take.
life is like a bed of roses just got to whatch out for the pricks
I wish I could just “like” a text so I don’t have to respond.
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
If love is blind....why is lingerie so popular?
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I don`t understand those couples that fight and a minute later change their facebook status to "single." I fight with my parents but you don`t see me change my status to "orphan."
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
Oh, so you are thinking about me? I am also thinking about myself.....
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying. I checked.