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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
If doing things was as easy as thinking about doing things I’d get a lot more done.
Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
Has anyone donated any money to ALS? All these ice bucket challenges I been seeing makes me think ... you all some cheap bastards
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
I wish Noah would have swatted those two mosquitoes.
The trick is not let anyone know how really weird you are until it’s too late to back out.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
I always scratch off the "Plus One" option on wedding invitations are replace it with "Drinking for two"
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public, why don`t you ever smile in my pictures?