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You`re uglier than..... well, you`re the example.
The worst thing about that guy who posts non-stop gym updates is that all that exercise is gonna make him live longer.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The best time to reexamine your life is when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.
For most things there’s MasterCard For everything else there’s Vodka
Chapstick is an entire industry based on you losing the product and buying more.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
A lot of attractive people are like nice cars with the check engine light on.
If you like someone, set them free. If they comeback, it means nobody liked them. Set them free again.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
My goal in life: Build a time machine and travel forward into the future until I can stop and ask someone "Do you know what `buffering` is?" and they are clueless.
be smart, pretend to be stupid!
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver