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I don`t care about your status...
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
I am a completely different person when I`m not under female supervision.
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
My new workout video is 20 minutes of me vacuuming over the same piece of string instead of picking it up.
The reason i connot lie is because i like big butts.
Halloween is my favorite holiday where you can trespass on a stranger`s property and make a non-negotiable demand.
Flu (noun) - The only time when having used tissues laying next to your bed is socially acceptable.
I`ve been on a diet for 2 weeks and all I`ve lost is 14 days.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
If you can make a woman laugh, you`re almost there. If you`re almost there & she laughs, now that`s a different thing.
If you`re not the lead dog, the scenery never changes!
I went to the store to buy some comdoms and the cashier asked me If I needed a bag ? "I replied No she`s not that ugly"