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A woman is quick to reject a man that lives with his mother, but will accept a man that lives with his wife.
Sometimes I get nervous I haven`t done anything with my life. But then something good comes on TV, and I`m OK.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too? Me: If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
Do gun manuals haue a trouble shooting section?
Falling in love when lonely is a lot like shopping when hungry, you end up with a bunch of sh!t you don`t need.
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
Did anyone else go into a furious, violent rage when they found out that George Lucas filmed most of Star Wars here on Earth?
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I`ve been so quiet.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
“Shit ton” is my favorite unit of measurement.
I feel that being a smarta$$ is my duty. The pay sucks, but the work is very rewarding.