Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
I don`t always play candy crush. But when I do, I have tourettes like a motherf*cker.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions
My girlfriend just accused me of being unfaithful. I told her that is ridiculous and that she is starting to sound like my wife.
Sorry I can`t go out tonight, I can`t find anyone to cover my Facebook shift.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law who lives all alone at 48 W Main St, bldg C, Apt 32 on the 3rd floor.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
I now have permanent vision loss due to excessive eye-rolling at stupid idiots.
"The secret is that it`s all in the wrist!" -My grandfather talking about golf or handjobs or something
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Velcro, what a rip-off!
there is no strong beer, only weak men
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
Free middle fingers for everyone!!!
Why aren’t mustaches called mouth brows?