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If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... Pretend it`s a beer... - Me trying not to drop a baby.
I’m not a picky eater or anything but I will look at both sides of a Dorito before I eat it to decide if its got a good cheesy dust ratio.
If Monday had a face, I´d punch it.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Maybe the cost of a barrel of oil wouldn’t be so expensive if Donkey Kong didn’t waste thousands of them in the `80s throwing them at Mario.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.
believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone´s day ... even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.