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And, yet another day I’ve gone without using calculus.
When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
Apparently, walking up behind a girl in the produce isle with celery in my hand and saying "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Rolling out of bed is easy. Getting up off of the floor is another story.
If you think I hate you ... I probably do.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
Ladies, if you want men to look at your face and not your chest, eat a banana.
I`m gonna name my son Wussell so people think he has a speech impediment.
I don`t blame Monday. I blame Saturday for not matching my Powerball numbers
There`s nothing like hearing the laughter of a baby. Unless it`s 1AM and you`re home alone.
I could totally handle twins, triplets even quadruplets. Hold it, you`re talking about BABIES?
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
People are obsessed with this storm but in a couple months no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
Forget Klondike, you should see what I`d do for an open bar.