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If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
I`m lost, no wait..... Yep, lost for sure
thinks that drinking beer is the second-most satisfying thing a guy can do for himself with one hand.
When you consider names for your baby, it`s important to try out the middle name in an angry voice.
If you sneeze near an atheist, they just say "science appreciates you".
When I get bored I go to a car dealership and ask the salesman to lay in the trunk so I can "see how many I`ll be able to fit".
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
Asking a guy, "Are you done with that?" & pointing to his girlfriend, is frowned upon. Apparently.
Ask me about my ability to annoy complete strangers.
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
You know that greener grass you see over there? You do realize it`s because they fertilize it with bullsh!t right?
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around