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Last night I saw a documentary about beavers. Best dam show I ever watched.
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
I always advise people never to give advice.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
Marriage is like a public toilet. Those waiting outside are desperate to get in. Those inside are desperate to get out
Apparently, when people say "I could use a hand" it doesn`t mean they want to get slapped in the face.
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Today is a great day. The mailman just delivered me an Iron Maiden cassette, which finally fulfills my Columbia House commitment.
I dated this musician who used to play songs for me over the phone. Then I realized he was just putting me on hold.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
If I drove a UPS truck there’s a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners.
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
Depresso; the feeling you get when you’ve run out of coffee.
Im still waiting for Anheuser-Bush to name a beer "responsibly" so i can drink it!