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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
When a girl tells you she has a nipple piercing, the correct response is always "I don`t believe you."
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
First world problems: I couldn’t hear the TV so I had to stop eating chips.
Girls are like roads, the more curves, the more dangerous they are.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
Shout out to people wondering what the opposite of in is.
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
If at first you don`t succeed...Do it the way your wife told you to. ;)
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?