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If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday - it`s because they`ve just killed someone right?
The most annoying are those people in great shape at the gym…. I’m like, “What are you doing here? You’re done.”
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
This beer tastes like future mistakes.
I use to be addicted to soap, but now I`m clean
I love to start my day by getting on Facebook to see who is a whiny little bi!ch today.
"5 React 2 Gum-- Experiences may vary. Stimulate your senses!"-- Same effect as LSD, but chewier.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
I took a nude photo of myself ... With the light off ... You`re welcome.
I`m motivated by a need to leave something meaningful in the world & a profound desire to shove it in the face of anyone who`s rejected me.
When you`re a kid, dick jokes are considered adult content, but when you`re an adult, they`re considered immature.