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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
A recent survey of one person revealed that 100% of me thinks that I should leave work early.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I’ll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.
Sorry, I`m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk... You go that way.
I was drivin home tonight and was singin away and seen a tree ahead and swerved to miss it and realized it was my air freshener hangin from my rear view mirror!!!! CLOSE CALL!!!
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
Huh, So you are telling me that these straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress? And not for what I`ve been using them for all this time?
I never let anyone see me eat junk food. Not because I`m afraid they will judge me. I just don`t want to share.
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
It´s never to late to be happy
I usually spend my Mondays texting apologies but I`ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.