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When`s it gonna be the 4th of July? I feel like blowin somethin` up and not gettin` arrested.
I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase "that sucks" was coined?
I`m at my neighbor`s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Whenever I move into a new neighborhood, the first thing I familiarize myself with is the liquor store coz you know priorities.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
75% of women in open relationships don`t actually know it yet.
gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can´t remember if it´s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you... I would start thinking about you.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
Sometimes when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Sometimes the fact that bacon exists is enough.