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Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
Sometimes I think of something so wrong and inappropriate that my little black heart skips a beat with delight.
I always say, "monring" instead of "good morning" because if it was a good morning, I`d still be in bed sleeping.
I just don’t want to look back and think “I could’ve eaten that.”
If you ever need nothing I am here for you.
I don’t care if we don’t talk, your existence still pisses me off.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can`t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Just realized all books are different combinations of the same 26 letters. This is BS!
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
They said I couldn`t drink or operate machinery on my medication. But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss`s car…
Auto correct changed "group hug" to "grope hug" and I`m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.