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When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullsh!t I`ll put up with before I catch on.
If you like to listen to music while having sex, listen to a live album. That way you will get an applause every 3-4 minutes.
If my "check engine" light would check my wallet, it would know there`s nothing I can do about it.
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
My life is much more fun and interesting when I`m single... Problem is I can`t remember any of it.
Please no one tell me what happens on the NFL today; I`m still on Season 8.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
Nintendo should handle education, I don’t remember half the crap from high school but I know all of Super Mario World’s secrets.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
It`s not my fault you thought I was normal.