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When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
I like to drink while I clean and that`s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
I hate girls who insert the phrase "my boyfriend" into every conversation. So does my boyfriend.
Some marriages end up fine, the others last forever.
The only time my wife will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Before criticizing my taste, remember that I like you.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
My phone just filmed a 6 hour documentary about life inside my pocket
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
I want one of those jobs where people ask, “Do you actually get paid for doing this?”
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets