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They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
If I ran NASA, it would be mandatory for the ground crew to be dressed as apes when the space shuttle lands.
Show him you care by setting his house on fire so he will have to move in with you and never be lonely again.
Waldo wears stripes because he doesn`t want to be spotted !
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Girl Scout cookie season is scientifically timed to occur just as people are giving up on their New Year`s resolutions.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
You can usually judge a women`s hotness by how many times your girlfriend calls her a whore.
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
Insanity does not run in my family. It strolls through, taking it`s time and getting to know each one of us personally.
Either I wrote a bunch of drunken Facebook status updates last night, or my dog has finally figured out the computer.
A homeless man just asked me if I was having a bad hair day, so I took my dollar back.