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If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Don`t blame the holidays, you were fat in August.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Whoever said "sticks and stones may break your bones but words will never hurt you" has obviously never been hit with a dictionary.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
If I had spoken to my parents the way some children do now, I would not be here to share this status.
Things that don`t kill bees: 1. Furniture polish 2. Febreeze 3. Butter 4. Screaming
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Of all the advice given to me over the years, “There really is no bad time for a beer” has proved to be the most helpful.