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I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
Excessive consumption of alcohol seems like a good idea.
Why would anybody put 99 bottles of beer up on a wall in the first place?
I only seem to remember I want to lose weight after eating 6 cookies.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
You know you`re married when you find her sexier with clothes on.
Sometimes people come into your life and they need to stop doing that
Understanding women number 476,395: Women like to talk about their feelings.
Why is it when I flush the toilet in the middle of the night, I have a feeling I woke up the entire neighbourhood?
I don`t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like "tiny doll feet scampering into the closet" because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that.