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A hospital is the only commercial establishment where the worse service they provide you, the more you`ll come back.
Christmas is just like any other day in the workplace, you work your butt off and the fat guy with a suit gets all the credit.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik`s Cube to solve it
Just found a shopping list in this cart that said, "Beer, wine, crap like that", so apparently my soulmate is still out there.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
life is too short to think twice and act wise....
Hmmm… Who should I stalk on Facebook now? :)
A homeless man comes up to me asking for change, I say "Change comes from within." He looked stunned.
The problem with taking the road less traveled is the poor phone signal...
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
"I can`t believe it`s not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Earlier this morning, I was invited to join an XXX Facebook group. I was somewhat intrigued until I realized it was a group for guys who like to wear really really big shirts.