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How come the energizer bunny beats a drum instead of doing something like working the cashier register at Wal-Mart?
If Facebook was school I swear we would all have perfect attendance.
We`ve all been talking about your paranoia.
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
Don`t invite me anywhere last minute. I enjoy doing nothing so I need to know ahead of time if my plan to do nothing needs to be changed.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I don`t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me
I really would love to see two mimes arguing