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Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
My roommate is on a date and said he`s convinced she`s coming home with him tonight. I`ve covered his room in Justin Bieber posters. Now we wait.
Take my advice, I don’t use it anyway.
Remember that there’s always someone cooler, smarter, stronger or sexier than you. That would be me.
Sometimes I wish you could ask the pharmacist to "make it a double".
"Hey, man, just called to see when you`re going to commercial. Now? Ok, us too." -Radio Stations
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
A fun thing to do is comment "that ain`t the girl you were with at the bar the other night" on all my married friends Facebook family photos
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
One day I hope to understand the phrase "more money, more problems"
80% of my status updates are BS, 15% are bologna and 5% are 100% straight from the heart.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Sometimes, even I`m afraid of the things my mind comes up with.