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Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
I`m a little stumped by this beer to pee volume ratio.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Do strippers have nightmares where they are in front of a large crowd with their clothes on?
The Teen Choice Awards air last tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren`t allowed to vote.
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Any machine is a smoke machine if you just use it wrong enough!
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up alongside him and say, "It`s okay, I think we lost him."
I`m not saying you`re stupid; you just have bad luck when it comes to thinking.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
Most of happiness just comes from staying away from idiots.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.