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I wear a cape when I`m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I`m going somewhere to fight crime.
In a weird twist,,, The longer I stay at home,,, The more homeless I look.
I`m not as smart as I used to be but then again you can`t stay a teenager all of your life.
You must have been born on a highway. Most accidents take place there.
I`m sorry call me old fashioned,but i think your shorts should be longer than your vagina...
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I miss newspapers. It`s weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad.
I like my women like I like my motorcycles. Not ridden by all my friends.
How can Wal-mart have a bazillion carts and everyone with at least one wobbly wheel?
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
If you were born after 1990, you will never know the frustration of having to rewind your parents porn tapes to the exact same spot...
M?o?n?, T?u?e?s?, W?e?d?, T?h?u?r?s?, Friday !!!!
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it.
The Best Excuse given by a Lady for Missing Work ! "My husband took an overdose of Viagra.....Couldn`t leave him alone with the Maid"