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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
Women can walk around all day long in a bikini, but God forbid if you see them in their bras and panties. I will never comprehend this.
What do you call a guy who makes "Woman in the Kitchen" jokes? Single.
As soon as the Zombie Apocalypse hits I`m grabbing a sledgehammer and heading down to the local cemetery for the greatest game of Whack-A-Mole ever.
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
trying to do something before the microwave is finished is sort of like trying to complete the countdown maths problem on countdown...
When a woman says, "I`m NOT crazy" *clapping her palms together per syllable* That`s universal for, "You`re going to die."
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
If you ever come over unannounced, it`ll take me at least three minutes to answer the door because there is no way I was already wearing pants.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
The problem with this generation? The cartoons suck.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.