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I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Half the journey is knowing where you’re parked.
Basketball would be a lot more exciting if each team was allowed one bear.
Don`t threaten to leave people, surprise them by actually leaving.
"Holy sh!t, that guy eats a lot of pizza" -people that walk by my house on recycling day.
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
It`s time for all of us to admit the "endorphin rush" you get after exercise is just an overwhelming sense of relief it`s over
Well it’s time to go from sitting on my office chair, to sitting in traffic, to sitting on my couch. I’m very skilled at sitting.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
The only people without problems are in the cemetery.
Due to political correctness issues, "Krazy Glue" will now be known as "Mental Disorder Glue."
When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying here you throw this away.