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Somehow I thought growing up would involve more than staring at my phone
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
Someone asked me why I use the "F" bomb so much. What the F*ck is an "F" bomb?
On a scale of Doopers, you`re pretty Super.
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
You`re from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can`t decide which.
It`s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of your eye but half the time there is anything in my eye its an eyelash!
My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night… So I said I had a headache.
It`s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Apparently people don`t like it when you lick your thumb and wipe all that black dirt off their forehead.
I love in horror movies how the person yells out "hello?!" as if the killer is gonna say "yeah I´m in the kitchen, want a sandwich?"