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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Home is where the pants aren`t.
Had to talk with my son about masturbation today...I explained that it is natural, and he should probably knock before he comes into my room from now on.
Facebook Stalker! If you just felt a sudden twinge of guilt then yes I`m talking about you.
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Dont freeze your Common sense in the process of being COOL.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I hate to be one of those who post cliffhangers but...
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?