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Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
It`s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your sh!t together, every other vegetable.
Lord, help me be the person my psychiatrist medicates me to be.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
You know you`re broke when your bank flags deposits as suspicious activity.
I only have a kitchen because it came with the house.
This bar doesn’t know it yet, but it’s about to be karaoke night.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right.
Is anyone going to tell America`s funniest videos about YouTube?
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
The only honest people in the world are small children and me after a couple cocktails.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
I hate getting my picture taken. Especially in front of a height chart at the police station.
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting ... What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?