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“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
The only dates I get are updates.
It`s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it`s too late.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" - 17th century sext
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
Hey rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed, not my fault they dont have windows ...
Swearing: because sometimes "golly gee" and "meany" just don`t cut it.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone