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Oh, you’re surprised I’m still single? I’m surprised you can dress yourself. So I guess we’re even.
Yawning is our body`s way of saying 20% of battery remaining
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail…
Don’t judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa`s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I tried my best to see things from your point a view, but your point of view is stupid.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Who says I can`t relate to today`s youth? I overheard a teenager saying he loved "riding on E" and I was like "I totally get it, gas is so damn expensive".
Most friends with benefits have such high deductibles that you`ll always be paying way too much out of pocket.
First you told me to be myself now you`re telling to me not be an idiot. Make up your mind woman!
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.