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No thanks, alcohol free mouthwash, my life is depressing enough.
I`m sorry did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?
A cash bar on parent-teacher conference nights would be a great fundraiser for schools.
I often worry that mankind is going to start World War III soley because we enjoy trilogies.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Right now, a future teen mom is applying copious amounts of body glitter to herself.
May the bridges I burn light the way.
LIKE IF you… walk into a room, forget what you need, walk out, and then remember.
There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.
I’ve realized I get ridiculously nervous driving behind semi’s or trucks carrying sh!t that could fall out and impale me all because of final destination 2.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I like when people call me "Sir". I just wish they wouldn`t follow it up with "you`re making a scene."
C`mon Netflix, we both know I`m watching the next episode. Just go ahead and start it.
People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.