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It’s ok if you don’t agree with me. I can’t force you to be right.
I used to dream about becoming an astronaut. Now I just dream that there`s still time before the alarm goes off.
Just been informed that my spirit animal is Eeyore.
Forget drugs and sex. Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying "gracias" at Mexican restaurants.
You make me want to be a drunker person
This is the third time someone in Liam Neeson`s family has been abducted, they really need to stop leaving the house.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
People who have more than 10 items in the express line… We see you and we are judging you.
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
I never said "you were stupid" I said "you are stupid", there`s nothing past tense about it!
H.A.T.E.R.S. : Having Anger Towards Everyone Reaching Success?
Go home Polar Vortex....yer drunk.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a break and enter.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.