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How to get a woman mad in 2 easy steps: 1. Take a picture of her. 2. Don`t show it to her.
When my friends ask me to babysit, I ask if the kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
My internet is so slow, it`s just faster to drive to the Google headquarters and ask them in person.
Why do people say “nice to meet you” before I’ve even said anything? How do you know it’s nice to meet me? I’m a jerk.
People should have to pass an IQ test to use the internet.
It`s about time the government enacted a law that keeps dumb and stupid people away from playing any role in society.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
I can read your mind, your thinking about sex right now, no wait, wait.. that`s my mind, sorry, I can read my mind. . .
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
How old do I have to be when I can start pulling in front of cars without looking?
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
Admit it, we all have that special someone we`d visit if given a tank to drive for a day
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.