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My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was "LOL" and I was holding my statement upside down.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Waking up is the second hardest thing in the morning.
I love Alfredo sauce ... Unless you`re a dude named Alfredo.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
I dare you to spit on this status.
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
If your cup is only half full, you probably need a smaller bra.
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Pizza: 73% delicious, 27% also delicious.
Save the US Postal Service. Have the Jehovah Witness and Mormons deliver the mail.
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.