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It’s the getting ahead that I’m running behind on.
Lady: what Colour are my eyes? Man: 34D
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
I hear voices ... and they don`t like you.
Remember, no matter how bad a day you may be having, no matter how sh!tty a situation you may be in... I`m feeling great. So it`s all good.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
my stomach just growled and it sounded like it said... `Droid`....
I wish I could forget you as easy as I forget my passwords.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
As you get closer and closer to the end of this status, I think it`s important that you lower your expectations.
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.