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Wine is just grapes for procrastinators.
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
Mondays should start at noon.
It’s impossible to bring up life insurance with your spouse without it seeming like you plan to have them whacked.
I dont mind if you call me Crazy, but dont you dare call me stupid. Because to be this crazy some intelligence is definitely required.
Life is so much funnier when you have a dirty mind.
F*ck It - My final thought before making decisions.
First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes not making any decisions and feeling guilty about asking for blowjobs.
Zoning out is your brain’s way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
My Life Alert bracelet says.....: I`m Just Napping
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
Living alone is pretty cool, I don`t even know if my bathroom door closes