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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
That moment when you realize your children have your twisted sense of humor...And you don`t know whether to be proud or scared.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
You laugh because I´m different. I laugh cause I just farted!
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
That awkward moment when you’re laughing so hard, you accidentally hit your head on something..
You know you`re a bad driver when Siri tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
Next time a conspiracy theorist says, "That`s what they want you to think," say, "No, but that`s what they wanted you to tell me."
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.