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Weather forecast for tonight: dark
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Now that I`m turning 40, I need to be careful about what I eat and drink and make sure I am getting my nutrients. That is why I just added pulp-free Orange Juice to my Vodka.
I`d have a longer attention span if things weren`t so shiny.
Stop complaining about the rain. Cause rain makes corn and corn makes whiskey.
If it’s the thought that counts, then I should probably be in jail
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you`re watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.
If only my goals were to be poor, lazy and out of shape.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
If I’m ever murdered, I have no doubt that my chalk outline would include my phone in my hand.