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My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
I was visited by three spirits last night, Vodka, Rum And Gin. . .
Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
The circus may no longer come to town but at least we’re guaranteed to always see a few clowns in Washington.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
There are dozens of different flavors of ramen noodles, but they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Guess what I saw today ... Everything I looked at. ;)
Every time I see an abandoned shoe on the highway it reminds me of some of the drunken nights we use to have.
The first 30 years of childhood are always the hardest.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR
My box of Animal Crackers said, "WARNING: Do Not Eat if Seal is Broken." I open the box, and sure enough...
The restraining order doesn`t mean we can`t hangout. It just says I can`t get within 50 ft of you. So you wanna play catch or frisbee or something?
I just want to alternate between napping and eating all day everyday while getting attention, so basically I just wish I were a dog.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.