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Just drank a `coffee to go` while sitting. Screw the system!
If you really want to get under someone`s skin these days, just leave them a voicemail.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
TEIAM - problem solved
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
My career plans were much more exciting when I was 5
I am so clever sometimes I don`t even understand what I`m saying.
i used to like you but thanks to facebook i now know how boring u are
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
I need to stop lying to myself ... This bag of Reese cups will never make it to Halloween
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
3 out of 4 Americans make up 75% of the population.
Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.