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It`s called "Biscotti" because nobody would buy "chocolate covered croutons".
Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption "Summer is finally here!" or we wouldn`t have known it`s summer.
Men look at boobs for the same reason women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Please, please don`t be a bitch to me. Because then I`ll have to be a bitch back and I can do it better than you.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
There are so many things in life I still need to lick.
"Do you have a charger?" is the new "Could I bum a cigarette?"
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
My therapist says I`m a clueless, un-observant trainwreck. Which is weird because up until this moment, I never even knew he was a therapist.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart or at Taco Bell.
Saw a wasp in a spider web and I don`t know who to root for.