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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
I just leased a 2013 lamborghini, no payments till January. Those f@kin Mayans better be right.
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Send me a text like a normal person.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
wants my 260 FB friends to know I love you all..except #193
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
What do you get when you cross a pitbull with a computer? I don`t really know but when it megabytes, it megahertz
Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right for this Monday
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
Confession #156: I always prepare myself before stepping on the escalator
Some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk & some people repeat themselves when they`re drunk.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"
I bet if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we’d see everyone else’s and scramble to get ours back.