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Me putting up with you is your Christmas present.
Something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow.
there`s a fine line between "cocky" and "confidence"...and it just so happens I have perfect balance!
I went to buy condoms and the cashier just said "yeah right" and put em back on the shelf
It’s funny how people get mad when you treat them the same way they treat you.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
... and so begins another failed hundred or so attempts at trying to write the correct year on anything I date.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn`t be allowed to talk
I`m not sure who`s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Celebrities on drugs, politicians having affairs, aliens living mail boxes....I love standing in the check out line, its better than the library....and it has food.
Last night I was thrown out of the casino for misunderstanding the use of the Crap table.
In heaven, the Cheez-Its are salted on both sides.
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels
is at the park. Unless you’re my boss, in which case, I’m at work.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective