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The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
I only change the kitty litter like once every two weeks but in my defense I don`t have a cat
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
My favorite sexual position is pretty much any of them. I`m just glad to be involved.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Chess says everything about men and women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
My wife woke up with a HUGE smile on her face this morning. I love sharpies.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
Her: I love it when we finish each other`s Him: pancakes
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
If someone farts at a poker tournament, no one will ever know who did it.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.