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If I could be anyone else in the whole world, I would still be me so that I wouldn`t have to buy new clothes.
Never , under any circumstances , take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. O_o
Roman Numerals...what are they good IV?
Ah man... i don`t have any notifications... better go check another computer
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Some days there just isn`t enough give-a-damn.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who`s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I used to be so broke when homeless people saw me coming by they would hide their change cups.