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I need a keyboard shortcut for "sorry it`s taken me so long to reply to your text..."
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I`m selling my browser history on eBay before the government does.
Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.
Don’t jump to confusions.
Half of my day is just me screaming profanities at an electronic device.
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don`t even have a battery in my smoke detector...
Dear Car driving 40mph on the highway this morning. It`s only a 1/4“ of snow plus you have a "Jesus Fish" on your bumper. You`ll be just fine.
The moment when someone says a word and everyone laughs, including you and then someone goes, "Do you know what that means?" and you go "No, not really."
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
You seem awesome. I can`t wait to find out what I hate about you.