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I wish I lived in a glass house, those people seem to have a lot of fun...
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Before I got married I didn`t even know there was a wrong way to put the milk back in the fridge
There are so many scams on the Internet now these days, but for $19.95 I can show you how to avoid them.
I hate when people post lyrics from songs, but I will survive.
I need a vacation ... or this fifth of Jack -Me at the liqiour store
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
I`m so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
When someone says “You just made my day,” it makes my day.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Who picks up a seeing eye dogs poop?
I wasn`t that drunk! "Bro, you went to the train station, smashed yourself against the wall, while yelling, Hogwarts here I come!"
I need a job that pays at least 10,000 dollars an hour.
If a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards ...I just get in the back seat